Dear Diary,
“You are not the voice in your head!” proclaimed the first meditation-oriented booklet I picked up. “I am not the voice in my head!” proudly repeated the voice in my head, feeling as if this phrase somehow elevated it to new, mystical heights. However, in time, receiving no tangible benefit from these words and the amount of happiness in life not increasing by so much as a palm’s width, the words were forgotten and for long years were covered with the dust of time.
We have a conviction formed since childhood that if something is happening around us, there must also be someone who deliberately performs that action. If there is watching, there undoubtedly stands behind the eyes the one who watches. If there is doing of work, there naturally is also someone doing it. If air moves from left to right due to temperature differences, it’s obviously such a wind blowing. Whether it blows or doesn’t – that’s up to how it strikes his fancy. If water drops fall from the sky, it’s obviously such a rain falling. Whether it rains or doesn’t, and if it does, then only on purpose – the very moment we wash our car or set off on a long-awaited trip. If there is heartbeat, it’s by no means a spontaneous process, it’s all because today it decided not to stop beating yet.
With the mind calming down, we transfer into a somewhat strange, yet infinitely pleasant and unburdening state. With our attention we can sense the feeling of watching. But we cannot sense the watcher. We can sense the feeling of doing. But we cannot sense the doer. We become simply boundless peace, sensing with feelings the natural, spontaneous processes. “Here I am watching!” the sharp little inner voice suddenly breaks the silence. And the worst happens – we sincerely believe it. In an instant we merge with it and from boundless peace we contract not even to a person – we contract simply to a voice. This is like contracting to an ear, a finger or some other tiny part of us. Due to such sudden shrinkage we begin feeling that everyday cramped discomfort and start humbly following what it tells us. “Here I am watching! And I’m very, very unhappy because I don’t have that red Mazda…”
“You are not the voice in your head!” proclaimed the first meditation-oriented booklet I picked up. And after fifteen years, I think I’m beginning to understand what they meant.
Have a happy weekend! :-)
